The clock ticked tocked on the wall to the rhyme of my breaking heart. It seemed each click cracked my heart deeper as the email I read began to set in. Tears slipped down my cheek and I tried to steady my breath. The reality is, painful news is never easy however it is still a part of life. Life is birthed and life is gone. Reality may be a stark cycle of our lives, but there is more that happens in those breaths of life that live on past our last breath. We grieve when loved ones go on. They impact our lives. Lessons are taught. Inspiration transcends our hope and meaning to love, joy and life transforms us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson says it profoundly; “It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
As simple as that may seem, it bears much weight. There are those lives who join our heart in the circle of life and refine us and embolden us to become more kind, more patient, more understanding, more everything. When we have to say goodbye to those souls who have left a fingerprint on our hearts there soon becomes a void.
At this email impasse I felt myself begin to hold my breath in grief.
For far too long I have lived life holding my breath.
Holding my breath the moment will pass.
Holding my breath from the pain of the past.
Holding my breath in the uncertainty of what will come next.
Holding my breath for prayers to be answered.
Holding my breath when prayers were answered, just not the way I had hoped they would.
The walls mock me as I hold my breath trying to find balance in my world that is now upside down. Gratitude does not take lessen the sting of saying goodbye to someone who invested their love into helping your world be a better place.
Heart break is heart break. No sugar coating that. I had a wise mentor in my life who shared with me its okay to grieve, you just do not want to stay there. She was incredible and had a way of putting the complexities of life so simply. Grief is a process we all go through. One which allows us the opportunity for grief to become a conduit for comfort from the Holy Spirit. So in that moment when reality proclaims it will be one way, a separation here on earth, yet you can dare to rest and find peace in knowing you will eventually be okay. You give yourself permission to be sad for this season and then you…. exhale.
We have a choice inside this weeping wound. We can find our joy or we can find our misery. When you decide you surrender to your own understanding and lean onto His, you meet Jehovah Rapha. He who restores us.
He is the One who carries you through these valleys in life when walking on your own is impossible. With Him, all things are possible. In this possibility, He will collect your tears, listen to your prayers and comfort the deep hurt inside you. The void we feel is perfectly filled by only Him.
Psalms 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
My shoulders relax and I let go of the breath I have been fearing of losing. We are not created to live holding our breath and we are not designed to be bounded to fear. We are made for so much more and in life we are given friends to remind us of that and encourage us when we have doubt. Anxiety cannot contain us, for God has a mightier plan for His children. He sends saints who walk beside us and show us how to climb higher, dream bigger and cheerlead us on. Our hearts are etched in Jesus Christ love, because that is the example they lived out before us. In His arms we are restored to become conquerors and champions.
Heartbreak may come again, but it does not have to steal our joy too. My friend, you too can have joy in the bleakest of days when your heart feels a deep ache. Be brave, be bold by being based in the promise of His plans to not harm you, but to give you hope and future and then let your breath go.
Live life exhaled.
In memory of my dear mentor, Gail Medvecky who poured her love over me and encouraged me every day to live audaciously. Until we meet again in heaven, I will miss you dearly.
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