Losing Control of an Out of Control Life

Helplessness squeezed around my heart like a python around its prey and I felt the physical pain of my chest being crushed.

Two and half years ago I was unable to articulate my anxiety as well. My mind swirled with fears of the unknown, insanity from unable to control all of life’s stress and lingering sad thoughts about dying young from my heart giving out under the weight of it all.

I was exhausted, scared and unprepared for the life I found myself in. Stressed beyond limits was an understatement. I was certain I would be dead by the end of the year if I kept this façade up. I wanted nothing more than it all to stop; all the deadlines, all the emails, all the appointments and meetings, all the social media notifications – everything that demanded my attention needed to go on a holiday.

I do not recall many details from those days. There were some defining moments that stick out, but mostly I remember being lost in a haze of uncertainty. I was going through the motions of life, but I was not living.

Looking back, I now appreciate those dreary days. One of those faceless days led me to a defining morning that changed my life. After a middle of the night panic attack, I made a conscience decision to stop being in control of an out of control life. Sounds simple and easy enough right? My friend can I share with you in that moment, everything finally stopped except for my sobs of surrender.

God had been waiting patiently for me to come to Him. He collected me up very tenderly, holding me together as I slobbered with shoulders heaving, resigning to the fact I was not enough. Wounded and utterly empty, I no longer had the notion I was ever enough to begin with.

Somewhere between succeeding in a career and having life triumphs, pride lied to me. Pride spun those motivational parent pep talk about you can do anything you put your mind to into being all about me. I didn’t even see how off track I was until it was too late. The web of lie was spun all around me and I had become helpless in rescuing myself from my inevitable fate.

Ugh, when will I ever learn? Correctly…. 🙂

Thankfully the story does not end there; despite my thick skull and smugness at the time, I did learn something through the mess of it all. It is worth noting I also sought assistance from a pesky licensed counselor who provided me a safe environment to work through the thoughts and emotions of anxiety while prompting me with challenges and accountability. It was necessary and uncomfortable served on a stick of humility.

First, God reinforced He would not take me climbing on a mountain I could not scale. That knowledge did not stop my heart from pounding out of my chest, in fact it made it worse because I knew I was about to climb higher up good ole’ mountain of trust and leap from the legendary ledge of faith.

Thus my climb to the summit of conquering anxiety began. My prayers for it all to stop were not answered the way I thought they should. Instead, similar to the book Hinds Feet on High Places (one of my favorite books!), I was given a companion for the journey. This escort was a familiar presence from my past. The Holy Spirit.

It is hard to explain the presence of the Holy Spirit without sounding a little nutty. But since I was nutty during this time in my life, I am okay with that. The Spirit was many constants to me. Some days He was just my Comforter as I sought healing from the pain, other days He was my Refuge when I was overwhelmed. On some of the ascents He was my Protector from dangers this mountain has for those who lose their footings and try to clamber on their own.

Piles of paperwork did not diminish, but my sense of losing my mind over it did as I learned how to seek God more in the fog that settled around the mountain. Emails continued to blast through my multiple inboxes, but their noise was silenced as I learned to rest in God among life’s chores. Life still snarled and demanded from me, but we are not created to be powerless at its snips. Learning to seek Him in all things deepened my reliance on Him to show me what He would have me do. Sometimes, I was to do nothing about the messy house or pinterest plans.

He was working on heart matters, not circumstantial ones. Centering my heart on Him put a new perspective on how I handle situations that would get me tangled up. Walking into a room full of people attending an event no longer provoked a panic attack and pitched me from the faith cliff. Which was a good thing since I planned the events for a living. {Ackward}

Then one day I broke through the fog around the mountain and experienced the Holy Spirit encouraging me to climb a little higher. Shakily, I continued to climb with my biggest cheerleader beside me. Day after day we propelled upward and I separated myself from the anxiety that was below. I was renamed and I learned just who I was as “daughter of the King of Kings”. I was given a word “El Roi”, the God who sees me. My friend can I tell you fears flee when you realize not only who you are, but who you belong to. The darkness of anxiety cannot be present in God’s light and your enemy cannot harm you when you are in your Father’s hand.

As the summit came into view I found a new boldness renewing my strength. This time my boldness was not rooted in pride, rather by the power of His love.

It’s a breathtaking view, but I have a sneaky suspicion God is not done with me yet. This journey will continue, but for now I bask in His glow.

Psalm 139:7-8 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.