Moving forward on Mother’s Day

“I’m sorry this all has happened honey, I know it is confusion to you and it’s not fair. You did nothing wrong. I also know God has an amazing plan for you and what you have endured. Not all love hurts, there is another kind of love and it has a power to heal.” What a lesson to teach a five year old as he processes through grief and loss. I know this all too well though, similar words have been spoken to me before. Many years ago, when I was in despair on my own journey of sorrow, I was comforted by a Godly friend that if I could be open to love again and step out to trust God’s plan over my life, I would experience the best that was yet to come. God is a good father and He does not waste our tears or heartache.

I knew she was right; it is just not so simple to walk through and still seems complicated to me at times. When my little guy is grieving, I get it. When your foundation of love is shaken, trust and love is not easy to give out again. Our brain switches over to survival mode because the hurt of the love goes deep. Then fear seeps through the cracks leading to the depths of our heart.

Neither one of us prayed for this in our life, yet the life we are creating together as a family is what we wanted. I want nothing more than to be his mother and he craves a mother to take care of him. However, none of this would be possible without understanding a new beginning sometimes starts with a terrible sadness from an ending.

I prayed believing one day I would have a baby. Moving on from this prayer produced this mindset in me that my infertility does not matter which meant the prayers for my unborn child did not either. However, the experience does matter. Because for over a decade God was comforting, shaping, healing and stirring my heart closer to His while I journeyed through infertility. There was a renewing of trust and a deeper understanding of what God’s love really is, which gives me a permission to move forward and look to our future with peace in God’s plan for our family.

When we opened our hearts to adoption, we knew there were going to be difficult talks about love, loss and rejection. Adoption is a complex process. But so is infertility.  They are both mountains of emotions and sticky topics to navigate. I now appreciate being battle tested because I want to leave a legacy of hope as we balance respecting our child’s memories and teaching him healthy relationships built around God. I am not perfect, I get it wrong sometimes but because of who God is this will to be a story of redemption and healing.

So this first Mother’s Day for me is a little bittersweet. I am thankful for the unborn baby I prayed for and still today love so deeply and I am grateful for this five year old boy who made me a mother whose heart swells more for him each day.

Maybe your Mother’s Day is complex as well. May I encourage you to believe in the process of the pain love brings you through?  I know it can be crushing at times and I wish it was easier, sometimes this fallen world is not fair.  However, I promise you love restoration is life giving when you move forward in trusting God.