Peace in the pain through Mother’s Day

Pink or blue balloons, small teddy bears, tiny little outfits, stacks to the moon high of diapers and plans for months of what the next 18 years will be like is how I imagine many mother’s begin their motherhood journey. With great anticipation, a mom begins bonding with her precious cargo since she confirms what her hopes were hoping. That day is etched into her heart and her life is never the same. It’s a beautiful bond God created between a mother & child, very much mimicking His own bond to us. This bond where you will sacrifice your sleep, body, schedule and even health just to have your child smile.

Some mother’s do all that they can, even beyond what most believe they thought was possible, yet there is a different plan for them and they find themselves having to live life without a part of their heart. Grief no longer is an emotion, rather a companion in every single day life. Some days it’s a tidal wave with crushing weight, other days it a babbling brook washing over the numbness. It does not define you necessarily, it’s a missing part of you that remains missing.

When we began our infertility journey, I prayed relentlessly for peace over my heart’s desire and God’s plans prevail over our family. At that time, if I was being honest with myself, I would say the only way God could answer my prayer was to give me my baby yet to be, one I had years of plans already set for. Trips to the zoo and picnics at parks, endless days of reading stories and exploring the outdoors. There was no negotiating or allowing my desire to line up with God’s. Time is enigma to me. It creeps by incredible slow while blowing by you at the same time. Stealing joy became my enemy’s victory and before I knew it, my heart was hardened. Consumed by grief and overwhelming defeat, I finally came to a moment where I waved my white flag and begged God to restore me with this time His unwavering peace, not my elusive one.

It has been well over a decade since these prayers were first whispered and it took some time, but eventually a peace settled over me. When you turn to Jesus to fill a void, He will overflow your heart with His love. Promises He has made to me, He has made to you too. Jeremiah 29:11 promises to give us a future and a hope. I will be brutally honest, I did not believe this promise for quite some time. When I was focused on my current situation and putting that into what my future would be, my future lacked hope. So how do you have hope in your future while still in your current state?

You seek God and learn who He really is. When you lay it all out there and ugly cry at His feet, He will stir your heart towards His. You begin to ask Him to just fix the whole situation, but then He reveals something you didn’t see before. He shows you He IS fixing the situation, it is just that the situation is not the circumstance- it is your heart.

Gulp.

You see my friend, what God is taking us through – the constant grief of our missing heart is really an echo of His. I found the more honest I would get about my own grief, I saw it as His grief of wanting me more. He wanted nothing to be held back. Any tinge of hope, any deep down fear, any impossibility I believed – He wanted it surrendered to Him. He was reserving this void for Himself, for a purpose at just the right time to be revealed. Until we can completely give up control, we will short ourselves from the full promise and delight He has for our life.

His perfect plan looks a lot different than what I hoped for in my future and the journey continued for 13 years. God’s planned out future crossed my path about six weeks ago when He placed a 4 year old son into our family. This bundle of energy who from almost the beginning called me mom is a permanent member to our clan now. Despite our beagle at times being jealous, we are all learning that our future has a new hope. In many ways, as I imagine all Mom’s do, I am learning a new kind of love and teaching this small soul that love is a choice with actions. If we allow ourselves to be open to love, love will conquer all of our biggest fears; like not having hope in our future.

Although this is still new and there are emotions to sort out, I know that God has our family story already sorted out. Today it testifies to how great our God is (and how merciful He is). Answered prayers for peace gave way for a broken heart to be mended which allowed a path for an adopted son to fill this home with life.

So for all you ladies who have a missing piece in your heart, I know today can be brutal. I assure you though whatever promises God has placed over your life, He will deliver them to you. His love for you is magnanimous and the missing piece in your heart is safe in His hands.

Happy Mother’s Day – may you be abundantly blessed.

 

 

 

 

To my son’s biological mother – today is bittersweet for me. Although I get to celebrate my 1st Mother’s Day, this is your 1^st Mother’s Day alone. I do not take this lightly and very much want to honor you. I promise to love him to no end, cherish and protect him until my very last breathe. Thank you for giving him life and for giving me an opportunity to become his Mom.