The Battle Rages On

Unintentionally, words slip out without realizing their impact.

I wince.

A battle rages on. The enemy’s sword connects to my heart and I am pierced.

Bruised and battered, but not defeated.

For a woman who is childless spending over a decade going through infertility appointments, hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” stirs up countless emotions. Feelings that I carefully keep from the reach of everyone else. It’s uncomfortable to speak about this and at times even awkward. How does a girl share her struggle with a friend who is juggling her own handful of children? How do I talk to my mother about my empty womb struggles when she conceived me unintentionally? Or my friend who at some point struggled with infertility who crossed the line into motherhood and now there becomes a disconnect. This subject is subtle often garbled. I have learned it is easier to fake a smile than talk about my barrenness.

Often feeling inadvertently alienated, I shelter these emotions deep inside because they are frail and reality easily shatters them.

This is the battleground I have found myself fighting in. Like any war it is long, confusing and agonizing. Maneuvers from both sides hit their mark. I make mistakes and anxiety begin to rise. The war I rage in though, I know my enemy will fall.  My life will reflect the Victor’s Glory so each day I surrender to God to have His way with my life. Without God this battleground would be impossible to win my heart. I would be depressed and oppressed, I am not strong enough to withstand this agony that leaves my arms empty. However, I am cloaked in His strength and I thrive in this war not as barren, but full of life.

The battleground is my broken heart.  Here I have stood joyful.

Mother’s Day may be a reminder of what I am not, but I am calm.

Because even in my sorrow there is hope.

Hope for the desires of my heart to one day be answered. Hope nurtures my heart and even if my desires do not come as I pray them, my joy already has come from love, not circumstance.

Each day Jesus meets me and hears my heart’s cry. He knows. He cares and He has interceded on my behalf. I have been blessed by many children in my life to nurture and love. I hear small whispers say “I love you” and their squeals of glee. I have wiped away tears and kissed boo boos. I have hugged a teenage broken heart and encouraged other young hearts to pursue their dreams. It is different than how I have prayed for these moments, but there is not one of these moments I would trade for a child of my own. Each of these little lives have brought me healing and empowered my hope.

So I do not stand in my battleground defeated. I hold my shield of faith and confidently believe the promises given to me:

“But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalms 37:4

You know what I have found with seeking God and sharing my hearts desires? Surprisingly, it wasn’t a bundle of baby coos and kisses. What I have found was hidden right in the middle of the battleground: Love.

Years of praying for a child peeled back my deepest desire. I found more than anything else was I wanted Jesus to permeate my life. He is an unconditional love to me I so desperately want to reciprocate. Seeking Him revealed more ways he has been faithful to me and showered me with his adoration. He has been the rock I read about in Psalms, the comfort in read about in 2 Corinthians. I bask in His love and feel renewed.

Through all the ways He has answered me unexpectedly, I have found His design for my life more fulfilling than I could hope. Calling out the lie, my life does still have a purpose and a new tenderness has emerged. A yearning for those who share a similar story to my own, to let them know they are not alone. Especially not in the doctor’s office or sitting by the phone waiting for the results. He knows and He walks with you through this valley. I may not know you, but my prayers include protection over these hearts because this is a hard battle to fight on your own.

Mothers-in-waiting, my heart implores on your behalf. I fervently hope you find joy once again in your heart. It’s heartbreaking, exhausting and violating the procedures you endure. My tears are for those who struggle to have hope and know their identity. I pray you find your strength no matter the results the doctors say and rise for another day triumphantly because you know whose you are. You are not barren, but beautiful. Lives are blessed because of you. It may not look like how you imagined it, nonetheless you still bring life.

My heart breaks for those who have not brought their little life into the world. They will not be forgotten however short their life was. Inconceivable to imagine, but I hope you learn to laugh again despite the pain. Time does not heal pain, but God can comfort it.

And for the girl like me who continues to hope even after the battle is done. The curtain may have closed, but the battle is still won because there is still love.

And love always wins.