“I just miss her, (long pause) but I want to live with you now.” With cracker crumbs around his quivering lip, my new son & I were having an afternoon snack and he was beginning to feel the gravity of his adoption. His birth parents had terminated their rights just 5 months prior and now that his anger had subsided he was beginning to experience the reality of loss over his biological parents.
As this little guy was grieving his hopes of being with his biological family, I recognized I was in a parallel situation grieving my own loss. For 13 years I had been journeying through infertility and praying for a baby. When no pregnancy ensued, we chose to begin an adoption path for our family. After more time waiting for an adoption match, we received a call about a 4-year boy. He fit inside every parameter, except if I was going to be completely honest I was still hoping for a baby.
Instead when I ended the phone call, I had to decide if I was going to say yes to God’s plan for my family or only say yes to what I had planned. There was grief in God’s plan, but I knew I could hold onto the promises His plan held over my life.
I leaned in closely and replied to my son; “I know you do buddy and it is okay to miss them because it means that you love them. Your love is powerful, but sometimes God takes us through hurt so we can learn about His even more powerful love. No matter what, I need you to know you have always been loved since the day you were born.”
I was speaking to both our hearts that afternoon. We both were hoping for outcomes through our own desires, but God had a bigger plan for the grief and loss in our lives.
His plan brought us together.
His plan is showing us He is hearing our cries.
His plan is teaching us to trust again.
His plan is giving us courage to not hold back loving others because there is a sweet healing when we let go of hurt.
His plan reveals our future is full of hope even though it is missing someone we love.
His plan is comforting us with a peace that penetrates this grief.
His plan has far superseded what we hoped for in our present circumstance.
As I navigate the unchartered waters of adoption and motherhood, God whispers a promise to me when this little human looks down at the ground and I can feel his unspoken emotions. “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” (Lamentations 3:32). This promise is a breath of fresh air in these moments when there is more hurt than healing.
His perfect love is reckless over us. His covering penetrates those moments of hopelessness and we can rest in his loving arms with abandonment. Friend, can I encourage you if you find yourself in a hurting time right now to look at your situation through a different lens and recognize God’s unfailing love for you. Jesus has a purpose and great plans for a hurting season. It will still hurt, but His comfort is sufficient, and His peace will seep to the deepest parts of your heart.
That phone call from the adoption agency changed my life. It gave me an opportunity to be courageous for a different joy than what I was praying for. His plan truly is remarkable to me as now we step through each day a little less shattered than the day before. I promise you, surrendering your plans and hurt to Him will give you an abundant life and a reward like no other when He receives you into heaven.
Photo Credit: White Barn Photography
I cried…. and then cried some more…. I’ve dont think you have ever written anything more precious than this my friend! This is a piece of perfection of love! ❤️
Aww, thank you dear friend. You’ve been such an encouragement from the start of this all. xoxo
Beautiful post, Jen! Such a blessing to see your faithfulness and acceptance of God’s plan for your family. Love you my beautiful friend! ❤️
Thank you dear – Love you too!
Beautifully said. I love you my dear friend …and your precious family.
Thank you dear- Your support is a big hug to my heart!!!
Sweetie…you have such a gift of sharing your heart through your words. This is a sweet and beautiful gift of courageous truth for all who get to hear your heart. I love you and I’m so blessed to truly know you!
Thank you sweet friend- You have encouraged me through many of these steps and I am forever grateful!
Thank you for sharing. We recently went through a rough time. Like you, we dealt with infertility, but God answered our prayers in His timing and we got pregnant. But what should have been a routine appointment at 32 weeks turned into an emergency c-section to save her life. I didn’t see my little girl for two days after she was born as we were in separate hospitals 45 minutes apart.
In the days and weeks following her birth I really struggled with feeling as if I’d been cheated and I missed out on all of those experiences I’d been looking forward to. In the midst of healing physically and making multiple trips a day to the NICU, I struggled with disappointment over how things “should have” been versus how they were.
But our little Ellie’s story is a miraculous one, and God has already used it to touch the lives of people we don’t even know. Because of how she came into this world I still struggle with anxiety and fear for her. And occasionally I’m resentful for all that I missed out on. But I found your story as my little girl sleeps on my chest and I’m reminded that God can and will work through these circumstances to not only bring Himself glory, but to once again prove His love for us.
Thank you for opening your life to us so beautifully. I pray that God will continue to bless you as you grow into the family He created for you.
Wonderful heartfelt words of encouragement for everyone in all situations. Love to all!